The sadness

I think about my dad everyday. I currently own a cross of his my mother gave him while they were dating. He used to wear it everyday, and did for many years. My memory tells me he never took it off. It finally broke one day, the ring that keeps it on a chain, and for some reason he never fixed it. I think he was unable to alter it because it might change the memory and the meaning behind it.

When my dad passed away my mother and I were going through his old things. My dad kept in his possession this really beautiful chest. He kept a lot of his mementos that he collected throughout his life in there. When I came across the cross I immediately remembered it. I asked my mother if I could have it, and she cried and said she wanted me to.

When I brought it home Brandon very thoughtfully brought it to a jeweler and had it fixed for me. I bought a very long chain so that I could slip it over my head easily when needed. I wore it for the first couple of months after he passed away. After awhile I was finding it hard to keep around my neck. I stopped wearing it because I could always feel it. In my heart, around my neck – it was painful. The necklace felt heavy, as if there was something tightening and stretching the skin where it lay. I almost felt that I was somehow defiling the memory of this thing he once held precious. So I tucked it away in my drawer, and kept the memory in my head instead.

Today I put the necklace back on. The weight isn’t as bad, but the memories are stronger. I’m sure I won’t be able to wear it for too long, but I pray that it will get lighter as time goes on. My emotions are so split. So, fickle. Almost fragile. I wish all of the pieces could be put back together.

*I – Patti – wrote this. I’m just on Brandon’s computer and am far too lazy to sign into my own account now.