Oh yeah yesterday, while moving the new fridge into the house, I, in my ultimate wisdom, had taken the heavy end because it was easier to hold on to. So I was the first one to have to step on to the porch, and since well, I’m an ass in all aspects of life, that and God hates me, I slipped on the porch. Thus making the fridge come crashing down onto my knee that was under it. The fridge suffered minor damage, only a scratch, as it was pretty near the ground already. I on the other hand am fairly gimpy and the muscles in my right arm are pulled.
It’s been a year today, since my dad passed away. It’s like an anniversary or something. Why does there have to be this day that he died. Why can’t it just be that he passed away? The “anniversary” is just here to torture you and to remind you of the pain you should be feeling. I hate today.
Tags: Sad
Someone shoot me for saying “gotta say.” What the hell. Why are people letting this go on so long? I’m seriously disappointed.
The truck got dropped off tonight to be fixed tomorrow. “Supposedly” fixed I should say. So many other things, like the transmission I got not working, or something else being wrong, or maybe it really wasn’t even the transmission that was shot are much more likely to happen than the truck actually being fixed. The truck being to a point where it is workable and driving is I’d say, about 7%. All those other things are much more likely.
I got a B in one class. I can’t believe it. It’s actually blowing my mind. Makes me sad…I wouldn’t care so much besides the fact that my entire life is depending on grad school. And since I don’t know anyone, grad school isn’t going to come as easily to me as to all the other traditional students. I suck at life. Why does everything have to be so much harder for me?
And….Erik’s sick. I mean like, sick sick. Erik never gets sick. Ever. He was running a high fever today, well what I consider high. It was 102.6 at one point. It was making me nervous. He is finally in his own bed sleeping though. We watched 7 movies today, and he started an 8th. Then he finally passed out. I ended up laying in bed with him all day because my psyche reverted back to that of a first time mom with a newborn. Erik hasn’t had a fever since…um…he was a tiny infant? Not a really serious fever anyway. He has had the sniffles, and some other minor stuff, but nothing this bad. I was freaked out, and still am. I keep checking on him every half an hour. Okay okay I know a bit much, and he is 3 so I should have calmed down by now. But he is my boy, and if Brandon and I don’t love and take care of him he will never know what it’s like. And he deserves that, and so much more. *sigh* If he doesn’t feel better by 8:30 am he will be going to the Dr.
Tags: Cars, Erik Dr., Sad, School, Sickly, Stress
Posted in Patti by Patti 2 months, 2 weeks ago at 12:27 am. Add a comment
Well life for Brandon and myself is pretty much absolutely horrible right now. The transmission went on Brandon’s truck and we can’t fix it. So we only have one car and the other that we have a payment on for a few more years is going to sit in the driveway. We are both feeling pretty horrible and not sure what to do. Prayers are definitely needed.
Tags: Sad
I think about my dad everyday. I currently own a cross of his my mother gave him while they were dating. He used to wear it everyday, and did for many years. My memory tells me he never took it off. It finally broke one day, the ring that keeps it on a chain, and for some reason he never fixed it. I think he was unable to alter it because it might change the memory and the meaning behind it.
When my dad passed away my mother and I were going through his old things. My dad kept in his possession this really beautiful chest. He kept a lot of his mementos that he collected throughout his life in there. When I came across the cross I immediately remembered it. I asked my mother if I could have it, and she cried and said she wanted me to.
When I brought it home Brandon very thoughtfully brought it to a jeweler and had it fixed for me. I bought a very long chain so that I could slip it over my head easily when needed. I wore it for the first couple of months after he passed away. After awhile I was finding it hard to keep around my neck. I stopped wearing it because I could always feel it. In my heart, around my neck – it was painful. The necklace felt heavy, as if there was something tightening and stretching the skin where it lay. I almost felt that I was somehow defiling the memory of this thing he once held precious. So I tucked it away in my drawer, and kept the memory in my head instead.
Today I put the necklace back on. The weight isn’t as bad, but the memories are stronger. I’m sure I won’t be able to wear it for too long, but I pray that it will get lighter as time goes on. My emotions are so split. So, fickle. Almost fragile. I wish all of the pieces could be put back together.
*I – Patti – wrote this. I’m just on Brandon’s computer and am far too lazy to sign into my own account now.
Tags: Sad
Well, life has been rough, I’m not going to lie. I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I haven’t really had anything to say, and well I’m not sure I do now.
My father passed away a couple of Sundays ago on the 8th and 3:26 in the morning. It was, as I consider, the worst thing to ever happen to me. I know my father and I didn’t always get along, but it has completely broken my heart to know that I will never see him again. All I keep replaying in my head is all of the times we used to play wrestle, and dancing with him, and him teaching me how to use a saw. Then how much he loved Erik, and used to talk to him when he was a baby. I hate knowing that Erik will not know my dad. He was a good man, and I miss him more than I can say. It’s been harder because some people have been very inconsiderate that are supposed to have been close to me. Then Brandon and I keep getting shit because we’re not doing what other people want us to do. We’re getting like threatened. It’s such bullshit. I wish they would stop. Why does everyone try to make us feel guilty if we can’t make a family gathering? Jesus. I’m glad my mom and Chris aren’t like that, and are loving and supportive.
School has sucked. Bad. I’m having a hard time concentrating. I had a exam in nutrition last night, and it was horrible. I knew I was going to bomb it. Even though I studied a ton (and I’m not a studier) I was having a hard time retaining the info because my mind is somewhere else. I hate this! I hope it gets easier, someday.
At least we’ll be back in FL in April. Chris better get her butt in gear with this wedding stuff though! Ah!!!
Tags: Family, Sad, School, Stress
Well I’m home, and it’s been really hard. These past couple of weeks have been some of the hardest of my life (right up there with some of the days during my pregnancy). I miss my father so much. I miss him being him so much already, but now, not knowing if I will ever see him alive again… When I was getting ready to leave I went to say goodbye to my father and just completely broke down. I couldn’t stop crying and saying I was sorry. He asked me to come back in two weeks. I told him I would try, even though I know I won’t be able to. With school, and our financial situation, I just…don’t know. I’m getting behind in school, and it’s stressful. I’m having a hard time with Philosophy because I didn’t have the book with me last week while I was in FL, and you’re required to post on the discussion boards. So I was trying to post, just to continue on peoples ideas, but, I keep getting it pointed out how wrong I am. Jesus.
Nutrition has also been pretty much horrible. I miss last weeks lecture, and we had a quiz last night. I know I flunked it. I read the material and studied, but there were things in there that I know came from the lecture, so I had no idea.
Writing has been fun as well. There are all sorts of papers due, that my professor didn’t tell me about since I was in FL and she just wanted me to spend time with my dad. I have one due tonight, but only noticed because it was on BB. So I started it, and hopefully it’s not too bad. The weather is horrible though, so lets see if I even make it to class tonight, even though I can’t miss another one!
Sonny also ended up in the ICU. When he got to the hospital, the nurse put his g tube down into his lungs instead of his stomach, so the medication they were giving him went into his lungs. So they had to do emergency surgery Monday night to remove that fluid from his lungs. Not forgetting he still has that same problem that he originally went in for. Now he can’t get that surgery for a couple of weeks, and he really needed it. His stomach wouldn’t stop hurting and he was running fevers. I think he is back in a normal room today though.
Things at home have just been, horrible. Erik never wants me, and I used to just let it roll of my back because he was 2, ya know? But now, I just, can’t. If we are in the store he screams if I push the cart because he wants Brandon too. If he is upset about anything he wants Brandon to carry him and screams if I pick him up. He wants Brandon to change his diaper. He wants Brandon to put him to bed. He never wants anything to do with me. It’s, horrible. I don’t know where I’m failing there, but it appears I seriously am. The day I got home, after not seeing me for a week, about an hour after he saw me again, he wanted Brandon.
Tags: Family, Sad, School, Stress
Posted in Patti by Patti 1 year, 1 month ago at 12:02 pm. Add a comment
So, I brought the dog’s in because they were outside barking uncontrollably. Well Drake wasn’t, because he had the bark collar on, but Logan was. Logan’s bark is much louder and rough, so it’s worse. They were tangled up together, so the farthest away they could get from each other was around 3 feet. I bring them in, they immediately start knocking stuff over and making a mess out of the house I had cleaned all day. Then, to top it off, as I was picking up after the mess they made downstairs, Drake went up and took a crap in Erik’s room. AGAIN! He was inside for a matter of maybe, 6-7 minutes. Not only does he poop in the house, he pooped in my 21 month olds room. Life just couldn’t be happier right now.
I’m finally attempting to sell some jewelry that I need to get rid of. However much I don’t want to, and it sucks.
I keep crying. I hate crying. I need to go be a housewife some more. It’s the only thing I can at least mediocrely do.
I really miss Amy. *sigh*
Tags: Dogs, Sad, Stress
My cat passed away on Friday. I had him for almost 9 years. He just passed away unexpectedly. He was fine before we went to bed, and when Brandon got up, he wasn’t. Every time I took him to the dr.’s they said he was in great condition. He was always healthy. Never had any problems (besides stress, he used to pull his hair out).
Well anyway, the day he passed away I laid in bed and cried most of the day. He is the only thing that has been constant for me in my life for the past 8 years. Literally. He has moved everywhere with me. Has gone through 4 relationships, the good and the bad. Lived with my parents, my sisters, my nephews when I did. Lived in 2 different states. I moved him I think like 8 times. I never could go anywhere and leave him for too long. When I moved into my first apartment in Cortland, I wasn’t allowed to have cats so my parents said they were just going to keep him. I couldn’t bare it and went and got him a week later. I kept him in the apartment even though I wasn’t allowed. He was my Max. God I miss him. So much. I feel so bad, I didn’t get to spend much time with him. For the past 20 months my life has been Erik. Max used to sleep with me and always be with me before Erik came around. Then when Erik arrived he was just kind of there. I took advantage of that, and now I miss him more than I can say. He’s been the only thing, person, anything that has been there for me constantly the past 8 years. Everyone else has come and gone in my life, including my family. There is a spot in my heart he will always have. I can’t get another cat. No one will ever replace him. I wish he was still here.
Tags: Life, Sad
Posted in Patti by Patti 1 year, 5 months ago at 3:20 pm. Add a comment
